What 5 Factors Affect Who You Are?

Ever wonder why you react to things differently than your friends and family members? There are 5 factors that affect us, and none of them are things you chose. This can be empowering, and seem unfair. It really is both. The bottom line is, it's not your fault.

The following is an excerpt from the book How to Bounce Back: Emotional Evolution and the Science of Feeling Good.

There is a lot about your life and your circumstances that just landed on you, and you’re stuck dealing with the aftermath. If you have ever thought, “What did I do to deserve this?” as you stand with your arms outstretched in the middle of a mess, this chapter might blow your mind a bit.  

The answer to “What did I do to deserve this?” is this: "Probably nothing." Much about you and your circumstances is simply Not Your Fault. 

THE 5 FACTORS THAT SHAPE YOU

Before you ever made a single choice, 5 big factors were already shaping your brain, body, and emotions: 

#1. YOUR NERVOUS SYSTEM: We will talk a lot more about your nervous system in Chapter 3: Taming Your Nervous System. For now, just know that when people talk about their nerves, they are usually talking about their stress response, which includes fight or flight, along with freeze, fawn, and faint/collapse responses. 

From an evolutionary standpoint, your nervous system was designed to keep you physically safe — without you having to think too much. Your mind and body are set up to just react.

How? Our nervous system is designed to fight off a predator or flee from one. It was designed to freeze your body so you could escape being detected by a predator. The fawn response tries to appease others so you're not a target (think of people-pleasing). Then there is the faint response, where you might pass out instead of having to go through something awful (an extreme response).  

These are the classic "fight or flight" responses that live in us.

Bottom line: From an evolutionary standpoint, our "nerves" are set up to respond when things don't feel safe. They are automatic responses that hit before we are fully aware of what is causing us to feel fear or threat. That means our fight or flight responses are connected to feelings of fear, and are not under our conscious control.

The boys at my work were triggered all the time because they lived in an unsafe environment, with gunshots and other scary things always lurking in the background of their lives. This was just one of the 5 Factors that affected their childhoods. 

#2. YOUR GENETICS AND EPIGENETICS: You probably know that the color of your eyes and your height are determined by your genes. Genetic traits like being pretty, tall, or athletic can feel like an unfair advantage, and traits like physical disabilities, poor eyesight, or having bad teeth feel unfair. You had nothing to do with this process.  

But there’s another layer that acts like little chemical “switches” on your genes that turn certain traits up or down depending on what’s happening in your life. That's epigenetics. If your great-great-grandmother survived a famine, you may carry epigenetic markers that cause you to hold on to calories. If your distant ancestor lived through wars and being alert to danger kept them alive, you may be prone to being anxious and hypervigilant to threats.

But if your life is less stressful, that trait can be turned down. 

In other words, carrying a genetic trait does not guarantee it will be expressed. Living in a calm and supportive environment and keeping your nervous system regulated reduces the likelihood that certain stress-related genetic patterns become active. 

That means that less stress and more safety in your life could influence future generations. You won’t change the genes that you pass down, but you might shape how bodies develop and react in future generations. 

That’s one reason why feeling good isn’t selfish. You are a vital link in the ongoing evolution of future generations. The next of the 5 Factors shows why this is especially true. 

#3. INTERGENERATIONAL TRAUMA: Your family tree might include people who survived slavery, colonization, racism, war, genocide, or forced migration. You may come from a line of folks who faced addiction, violence, or untreated mental illness. Or maybe generations learned to shut down their emotions just to get through life.  

Those survival strategies can leave marks in our bodies and minds. Part of this comes from epigenetics, and part comes from the coping habits we inherit by watching the people around us.  

Families and communities pass down both helpful and harmful ways of dealing with life. For example, in some communities, neighbors support each other, and parents step in to help care for children. Others cope by isolating or using substances to numb out difficult feelings. We learn these patterns without even realizing it, and unless we become conscious of them, we can pass those same patterns to the next generation. 

#4. ADVERSE CHILDHOOD EXPERIENCES (ACEs): The landmark ACE Study revealed that people who grow up with abuse, neglect, household dysfunction, or exposure to violence, face a higher risk of serious health problems later in life. These include heart and lung disease, diabetes, kidney disease, and some cancers, as well as increased rates of depression, anxiety, substance use, and risky behaviors.

Clearly, none of us had control of the home conditions we were born into. Our childhood experiences may not have been healthy, appropriate, or caring. Sometimes it's because parents themselves are passing along their own childhood dysfunction to their children as part of their Intergenerational Trauma. Sometimes, difficult childhoods happen because a parent passes away, or suffers from health issues, or the family lives in a violent community they can't escape from.

To Learn More about ACEs, click here.

THE ENVIRONMENT YOU LIVE IN: Do you live in a bad neighborhood? Do you live in a highly polluted area? A war-torn area? Are you a refugee struggling in a place where you're not accepted? Is your government oppressive? Are you living in a racist, sexist, or classist society? 

Having to tiptoe through circumstances, never sure about whether you're going to be accepted, attacked, or ignored, will affect how you see your life. Our environment is the fishbowl we swim in. We think "this is just how things are" and don't realize how we may constantly feel unsafe.  

You may notice two things about the 5 Factors: 

1. They affect every single person on Earth, just in different ways. 

2. They all come from one basic drive: We are all just trying to survive. 

How many (if not all) of these factors play a role in who you are, and where you are, today?  

Like most of us, you probably had some good things and some not-so-good things come from the 5 Factors. They can work together, with some of the negatives balanced by the positives and vice versa. Maybe you had neglectful parents, but enjoyed a safe neighborhood, and you were gifted with a unique talent. Maybe your home life was idyllic, but you lived in a racist society and experienced deep poverty and discrimination. 

We all get dealt a different hand of cards to play with in life. So, blaming yourself because you're easily triggered to anger, or can't stop being anxious, or want to stay away from crowds, doesn't necessarily make sense given the 5 Factors.

To learn about how you can overcome these 5 Factors see our book,

How to Bounce Back: Emotional Evolution and the Science of Feeling Good is available now. Your order helps support our nonprofit work.